Whew!

We are spent, but the home study is OVER! Duke was a complete angel. No jumping, burping, or farting the whole three hours! And Jordan wasn't too bad either. We began preparing for today early in the week with cleaning and fixing...and when I say we, I mean Jordan. He has been so helpful, and knowing the stress I was under (as we have quite a busy weekend), he took the initiative to clean most of the house, fix a few odds and ends, and wash the clothes. I had a baby shower to attend this morning, and when I returned everything was sparkling! Our social worker came over around 1:00 and we showed her around the house pointing out where smoke detectors, cleaning supplies, and medicine were kept. She looked in every room and closet and even the garage, seemed satisfied, so we began the final part of my interview. Meanwhile, Jordan worked on his brisket that he was smoking (in the rain) for tomorrows Cowboys game and our church small group get together (so he's pretty much super husband). He joined me after a little while, and our social worker asked us questions about how we planned to raise our child ranging from education to discipline. We also talked about different situations with birth families (how often we planned to see them, what if they were a different religion, physical and emotional issues, etc.) and how we felt we would relate to them. We discussed with her what we had learned from our required reading and from meeting with the couple who had adopted from Greenville. She told us that she really liked our profile, and that we should get more feedback soon from the agency on whether anything had to be tweaked or changed. She mentioned that it would take her a week or two to complete our home study recommendation to give to the agency, but that she only had good things to tell them. She also said that the director had encouraged her to quickly complete our home study as she already had a few birthmothers she wanted to show our profile! Now starts more waiting.

How could I be anything but angelic?

Come study our home...

We found out today that our paperwork was received and our final home visit is scheduled for September 12th. This is when our assigned social worker will do a home safety and fire inspection and conduct a follow up interview with the both of us at our house. This is also when she will meet Duke. (we are currently working on his manners, though I fear it may be too late) We still need to do some "baby proofing" in the form of outlet covers and cleaning up the fireplace(since we really don't use it and don't have a screen). We also have to be prepared for a mock fire drill. Jordan wanted to really ham this part up, but I have convinced him otherwise.

We are exhausted, and frankly ready to get all this technical stuff over with, but just when we think we've finished all the paperwork we can stand...we started filling out more. Many of you have been surprised and asked us how and why are we paying for this whole thing.

Let me start with the WHY...
If you do any research on adoption, you will find that the price to adopt varies greatly between domestic and international, private and agency, and even agency to agency. This was something that puzzled us until we dug a little deeper. We knew early on that we wanted to adopt domestically (mostly because raising a child from birth and on was something we really desired for our first child, and because openness was important to us). Then we considered private vs. agency. If you know Jordan and I, we tend to go along with the theory, "you get what you pay for" and found that there was a lot of personal leg work that went into private adoption, there were more risks, and I'll be honest, we knew very little about this whole adoption world and really felt like we needed a guide. But when we looked at different agencies, we learned there were big differences in cost there as well. So we set off to decipher what all this money was going to. We attended a very informative "Affording Adoption" meeting through a local church and quickly found out that the money in adoption was divvied out between processing fees, attorney fees, social worker fees, counseling, and birth family related fees. The later two being what made the price differ. We were encouraged at this meeting to find an agency that didn't offer any maternity care for birthmothers, as this was thought to be something that was "not our responsibility". I left a little jaded(to say the least), and was relieved to find out my husband felt the same. Now let me mention that none of these advisers had open adoptions, and I am sure that their advice was well intentioned. However, it opened our eyes to the disparity of our society, the preconceived ideas and stereotypes about birth families, and the lack of us as Christians to reach out and show love to those in situations unlike our own. We had a strong desire to not only make our family complete, but to help mend a family that was breaking. We chose our agency because of the extensive care and respect they give to birth families and the education they provide to empower all families involved in adoption. This is not something that just happens...it takes resources.

So for the HOW...
As you probably guessed, we don't have $25,000 laying around. We are lucky that Jordan's work has a $5,000 adoption reimbursement program and that there is a BIG federal tax credit now available; however, these don't cover the entire amount and we still have to have the money up front at placement. We have prayed hard about this, and we do trust that God will provide. We are now working on applying for a interest free loan through the ABBA fund to help pay for some of the costs until we get our reimbursements. We also know that some of you would like to be a part of this whole endeavor with us. We have already had some VERY generous family and friends pitch in, and for that we are beyond grateful. Each contribution has come at a time when we were really discouraged and overwhelmed, and I feel like they have been God's way of telling us to trust this plan that is so beyond us. Pride is so hard to swallow, but we are hoping that by being open about our situation, we will give you the opportunity to share in our blessing.

Pick us!

So here it is...the first draft of our Profile.

Some things we've learned

Tonight I was getting our paperwork ready to send off to our agency, and started reading through the summaries that Jordan wrote for the books we were required to read. First, I realized they were much better than mine (probably because he took 3 days to write them, and I did mine in about 30 minutes), and second, they made me so proud. My husband is pretty great, and I love him more every day. I thought that you guys might like to hear some of what we've learned...from his prospective!

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber & Phyllis Speedlin
It was good for me to read these letters because it gives real life accounts of the feelings birthmothers, birthfathers and adoptive parents really feel. The letters made it very real, so much to a point that it would be impossible to acknowledge any truths within the four myths listed.

I have read about and talked about the loss in adoption a lot for the past 5 months. This book did bring the emotional side out of me. It made me both happy and sad. I felt like I got to experience the grief and heartache birthparents endure, but I also felt the joy in knowing that with an open adoption, everyone, especially the child, can live full happy lives.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Closed adoption or not, birthparents’ never forget about their child and children never forget about their birth parents. After reading several of the letters that support this, I do not see how any other form of adoption could be an option. The “out of sight, out of mind” concept that is very common, motivates me to be more proactive in educating people about open adoption.

2. Children want to know more about their birthparents, but can sometimes feel scared to communicate this in fear of hurting their adoptive parent’s feelings. I think this stresses the importance of not only an open adoption, but of keeping the lines of communication open and natural with my child’s birthparents.

3. Both parents will never totally parent. This was a hard pill to swallow, but true. I will probably never know what it’s like to raise my own biological child and the birthparents will never get to fully raise the child they gave birth to. This was a very sobering and sad lesson to learn. It is part of loss within adoption that affects both me and my wife and the birthparents. This is one of those pains that will be with me the rest of my life.


The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina
Of the tree books this one was my favorite. Almost anything and everything about open adoption was discussed in this book. This book not only answered a lot of my questions but also raised more questions that Angela and I had to talk through. We spent a lot of time discussing “what if” scenarios.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Nobody owes us a child. This lesson is the most important for me. I think it’s easy for us to get caught up in the process of adoption with the assumption that at the end result will be that we have a child. That’s not so. The birthparents have every right to keep their child. For us, if the birth parents decide to parent their child, that is God’s will. We will not feel betrayed, nor should any other adoptive parents. It is their child and we should always keep that in mind. The birthparents shouldn’t feel obligated to relinquish their child either. Even if a relationship has been well established over the months, the birthmother should be extremely sure of her decision to place and not feel obligated because they know the adoptive parents have been waiting.

2. Adoption means loss for the adoptive grandparents as well. Adoptive grandparents need preparation for the adoption process and their loss of a biological grandchild. It is our responsibility to inform our parents of everything we have learned. Dealing with entitlement and jealously issues are as just as common with the adoptive grandparents as it is with the adoptive parents. Informing our parents may not make the transition to an open adoption easier, but it will make it smoother.

3. The birthfather is important too. Stereotypically, birthfathers are viewed as someone who is irresponsible and doesn’t want anything to do with the child. This is not true in all cases. Whether the birthmother shuts him out of her life or he chooses to retreat on his own, birthfathers have the same emotions birthmothers do. They do not ‘just forget’. I have learned that as a man it will be my role to relate and work with the birthfather in communicating the importance of his availability in his child’s life, regardless of the state of the relationship he has with the birthmother. I hope the birthfather is available to our future child and I hope that he can be someone that I can mentor as well.

4. The adoptive mother can breastfeed. I was totally unaware of this. Since discovering this, Angela and I have researched the topic and met with her doctor to discuss.


Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner
I liked this book because it helped give me some insight on what the thought process might be like for adopted children through different stages of their life.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Open adoption can help minimize acting out by teens. Junior high through high school is already a weird time for a kid because they are trying to figure out what they’re about and who they belong with socially. I can imagine that if an adopted kid didn’t have contact with his birthparents or know where he came from, this could send his life into a little bit of a tail spin. I have learned that during this time, an adopted teen may feel rejection from his birthparents and try to recreate that feeling or event by acting out and pushing the boundaries and rules set in place by his parents. An open adoption can help mitigate against this because over time he would have learned that he was not rejected, but placed out of love.

2. Children grieve as well. As birthparents grieve the placement of their child and adoptive parents grieve their loss of fertility, adopted children also grieve the loss of their birthparents. Even in an open adoption children and teens still grieve. I have learned that this is normal and it is important that as parents, we talk about it with our children.

3. Knowing the birthparents can help the adoptive parents understand their child better. The constant birthparent contact that open adoptions provide can help adoptive parents understand what makes their child “tick.” Whether it is motivation or certain personality traits, by understanding the birthparents and how they “tick”, this gives the adoptive parents an advantage on how to better understand the mind of their child.

4. Adoption professionals can sometimes have trouble letting go of a case. To me this was very interesting. The entire adoption process revolves around the birthparents, adoptive parents and the child (the “triad”). But the adoption professional puts a lot of work into the case as well. This makes me feel good because this means that the professional truly cares for the lives of the individuals that are counseling and guiding through this process.

Finishing up

So we've just about finished up our paper work. I officially completed the Profile last night, and Jordan finished writing his essays on the three books we had to read. I am almost done with the last book and essay myself, and I am so relieved! We also finished a few other forms that have to be turned in before the home study. One form notes what illnesses, genetic histories, and pre-natal situations we are open to. We made an appointment with my Dr. last week and were able to get his medical explanation of a lot of these things. Some looked pretty scary on paper, but were not a big deal. Others really were scary. There is so much to consider and really think about that you might never have to face having a biological child. I am trying to look at it in a positive way, and know that it is making me more aware of things outside my happy little bubble. I also know that it is all part of HIS plan, and we are depending a lot on faith.

We also got the privilege this weekend of sitting down to talk with a really sweet couple that Jordan's parents knew from Greenville about their experience with open adoption. They were nice enough to share with us what it was like to adopt and raise 2 boys from infancy (one biracial) after having three biological children. Their stories were pretty amazing, and they were honest with us about the struggles and joys they had along the way. We really took a lot from what they had to say, and at the end, we were able to meet the two boys too!

Big Enough for a Car Seat?

We said goodbye to an old friend of the family this week. The Blue Goose has been Jordan's faithful ride for the last six years (20,000 miles), but we knew his days were numbered when Jordan found out that his two mile commute would soon turn to thirty because his department was changing offices, and that a car seat would soon need to be added. After much toiling over prices, mileage, models, colors, and a number of other details pertaining to the plethora of used cars available, Jordan finally settled on a 2001 Ford F150 Crew Cab. A few fun facts..

Blue Goose vs. *New Truck*

(still working on a name)

made the year Jordan turned four vs. made the year Jordan went to college
chipped and rusted blue paint vs. shiny silver

no AC vs. cold AC

radio busted vs. tape deck (yes!)

scratchy wool interior that once was sprayed with Dr. Pepper in a near car jacking(ask me about this later) vs. clean, plush velvety grey interior

bed that holds a chair vs. bed that holds a bed

2 doors, one bench seat vs. 4 doors, roomy back seat

stick shift Jordan won't let Angela drive vs. automatic Angela is already trying to sneak to work

bringing the neighborhood home values down vs. making our neighbors jealous

Jordan is happy that the Blue Goose will be joining the Woodworks By Wines fleet (my Dad's small construction crew) and he will still get to visit on holidays.

Profile Overload

We are now in what I will label, Profile Overload. The next big step is turning in the rough draft of our one page (front and back) profile that the birthmother's will look at. I have to admit that at the seminar, we were shown several examples...and to be honest...I was less than impressed with their creativity. I basically told Jordan that we had this part "in the bag". However, I quickly learned, that what went on the page (besides the cute paper and embellishments) was a lot harder than what I had anticipated, and it got me thinking that it might be why the actual aesthetics weren't exactly perfect on those examples.

Imagine this...you need to acknowledge the sacrifice and unselfishness of the birthmother without seeming like a creepy stalker couple who wants to take her baby, describe who each spouse is...personality, likes, education, job, family history....how the two of you met, what you like to do together, if you have any pets (their personality...ha! not really), how you got to adoption, what you want for the future, how a child fits into that...and did I mention, fit it in no smaller than 12pt type on one page! My brain has run out of places to put all of that information so how will I fit it on an 8.5" x 11" piece of paper?!! THEN, you need to fill the back of the page with pictures and captions that are a reflection of who you are (the good parts). Ahhh! After sorting through the mountains of jpgs on my computer hard drive and Shutterfly, I about had a nervous breakdown.

"That one Jordan looks mad"

"That one my hair is messed up"

"That one looks too old""That one we look too young"

"That one could be misconstrued"

....and the personal critiques never end!

So I may have the graphics looking like a brochure for a Mercedes Benz, but I still have a lot of work to do on the important stuff. I'm beginning to feel like we're filling out our eHarmony profile!

BTW...if you have any great pictures of Jordan and I...preferably doing something that portrays our personality(scary)...send them my way!