We're Home!

I know that everyone has been waiting patiently, so here are a few quick pictures from the hospital of Rylin. I will post more later today. He is already changing so much.

45 minutes old and very alert

We spent some time yesterday at the hospital with T, who I will now just call Tess since most of you probably noticed my delirious "slip up" in the last post. (She told me it was fine to use her name on the blog) We were able to be there for Rylin's discharge to get all the necessary information, and then Tess and her mom took him home to her house around 4pm. We had to wait all afternoon, and our parents showed up around 7:30pm. Finally, around 10pm, the girls from our agency arrived with our paperwork and we made it back over to Tess's house at 11pm. The entrustment ceremony was short, but very special and we were so glad that we were able to tape it so that Rylin can one day watch it (when he knows whats going on!) We made it back home around midnight, and we were all pretty worn out. Jordan changed his first diaper but somehow I was the one who managed to get peed on! You could say I didn't sleep much last night because I kept wanting to check on him in the bassinet. Jordan got up and fed him at 4:30, and then MiMi got her first snuggle time around 7:00. We are so excited to be home and Jordan and I are still in shock that we are officially parents! Rylin is so far a very good baby (not saying a lot for 2 1/2 days old!) He likes to snuggle and is very alert when he is awake. He has a high pitched little squeal that is pretty cute, long feet and fingers, and soft black hair on the back of his head. He is not a little baby, and has a double chin with a dimple right in the middle! Pretty sure he already has us wrapped around his finger! I will post later today with some pictures from last night. Thanks again to all of you who have prayed and encouraged us. We feel so blessed right now that I couldn't even begin to explain our joy!

Good Day

Thanks for all of the sweet messages! If I have learned anything in this process, its that I have the best friends and family in the world...and I mean that! I thank God every day for you guys!

We had another busy day at the hospital. Jordan and I actually got some sleep last night(with the help of meds) and then got up this morning to explore the presents that were awaiting us in our hallway. We are now fully stocked on all the essentials, and I still can't believe my family had a shower without me! I laugh every time I picture it. We got dressed and returned to the hospital around noon where we found T in a room with her Mom and a few friends. The maternity workers from the agency came later. We got to visit with them and hold and feed Rylin. We even got to meet the birthfather (D), for the first time. He was a little overwhelmed by the situation (and I don't think a room full of girls helped), but Jordan got a chance to have some guy time with him out in the hall. We can't begin to imagine what this is like for him, but we are excited to have the lines of communication open for the future. After a while, T's friends left along with the maternity workers, and we were able to share some time with she and Rylin. She is doing well, and is feeling good about her decision. She was open about being afraid of how she would feel to hold him and to see us with him, but said that it has actually been reassuring. We all marveled in how great this whole process has been, and how comfortable we are with one another. As my mom told me tonight, I know it is truly an answer to prayer. Jordan and I are overwhelmed every time we think about how many people are praying for us, and we know that this whole situation is so much bigger than ourselves.

Tomorrow we will go back to the hospital to prepare for T and Rylin to be discharged. T will take him to her house for the relinquishment ceremony and we will meet her there after signing some paperwork. Please continue to pray for us, especially Jordan as he is having to read a letter we wrote to T. We know that everyone will be a ball of emotions, but we are so excited we could burst!

Ready or Not...

I'm typing this with tears in my eyes and a whole days worth of craziness on my mind, so forgive me if I babble a little and if I don't make perfect sense. But to the important stuff...Rylin Marshall is here! All 8lbs 3oz and 21inches! Not that I'm partial or anything, but he's the cutest baby I've ever seen! Rylin is the name T picked for him, which comes from her middle name Riley, and Jordan and I loved it and decided on Marshall for his middle name. We are excited beyond words, but I want to back up and start from the beginning.

Jordan and I met T and her mom for dinner last night at Chili's as we had planned earlier in the week. We had fun talking about some crazy subjects we hadn't explored previously in the last couple of weeks, and eating lots of onion rings and jalapenos(T insisted so that it might induce labor!) After three hours, we finally parted ways and headed home. For whatever reason, Jordan and I could NOT sleep. Earlier in the week, my co workers had a going away/baby shower for us, and yesterday, the sweet girls from church threw us a shower, so I was sorting baby things and writing thank you cards. We finally hit the sack around 2:30am. Little did we know that we weren't the only ones awake! As we were getting ready for church this morning, our home phone rang, and luckily(since we rarely do), I answered it. It was T's mom telling us that she had been admitted and was already dilated to a 3. Our preparations quickly turned to mass ciaos as we ran around the house doing a mixture of tidying and getting dressed. We made it to the hospital around ten, and the wait began. We were immediately taken back to her room, where we stayed with her through some rough contractions until she could finally get her epidural around lunch time. Some of her friends arrived, so because of the limited amount of visitors, we waited in the L&D waiting room. She slowly progressed throughout the day, and we were able to grab something to eat for a late lunch and return. We got to visit with a lot of her friends in the waiting room, and they really went out of their way to make us feel accepted. Her sister was able to drive up from Austin and be there too. Finally, around 8pm they told us that she was ready to deliver. A few of her friends snuck into the hallway to listen outside the door, and came running to the waiting room to announce that they heard crying! Her mom quickly followed to announce his arrival and after T was given a chance to hold him, they let us come back. I really can't begin to describe what it was like because I was in a bit of a nervous haze. Her mom handed him to me as soon as we came in the room and I couldn't believe how big he really was! He squealed and squirmed, but he was still cute! I handed him to Jordan tightly bundled and then it happened...one tear ran down Jordan's face, and the waterworks began for the rest of the women in the room! He quickly handed him back to me. Poor T was in so much pain, and the nurses and Dr.'s were taking FOREVER to give her anything to help. Rylin was squealing in little bursts at this point, so a nurse came and ushered us into a private room so that Jordan and I could hold and rock him. It was a pretty special time, and I am really grateful that the hospital was so accommodating. After a while, they came to take him to the nursery. We followed them so that we could take pictures, and then we went back to check on T. By this time she was thankfully feeling much better(thank God for Morphine), and we got to chat with her for a while before leaving for the night. We arrived home to a hallway full of gifts, because what I didn't mention, was that my family was planning a baby shower for us today! Though I didn't quite make it home for the party, they continued without me! I think my mom probably had a blast standing in and opening gifts. Then my cousin was kind enough to drop it off at our house before we even got home. I really have the best family!

We are still grinning from ear to ear, and we would love to share all our pictures, but for now we will wait to post on the blog. There is still a lot to happen in the next 48 hours, and we are respecting T in that this is her time with her precious baby boy. Although there is so much joy and hope in the continuing relationship of open adoption, there are still some very real losses for T. Please pray that she can enjoy this time with him and that she would be comforted in the days to come.

Racing Hearts

I'm not sure who's heart was racing faster, the baby's or mine! I just got back home from the doctors appointment with T. We met near the hospital, and then got to wait a while in the office for her to see the Doctor along with many other VERY pregnant women (including one that they were sending down to Labor & Delivery when we arrived!). It actually was nice because it gave us some time to talk. We really do get along great and I think both feel pretty comfortable with each other. She joked about how much weight she has gained during the pregnancy and asked me some about our infertility journey. We talked about past jobs, her school plans, and our dogs! She was noticeably uncomfortable today, and was hoping to get news from the Dr. that she was delivering...tonight! Unfortunately for her, he didn't exactly say that. The office was completely cool about letting me go back with her in the exam room where the Dr. measured her tummy and then listened to the heartbeat. I was amazed at how quickly it was thumping! He then checked to see if she was dilated any, and reported that it looked like she wasn't quite ready for labor yet. So far the little guy is still head down and everything looks good. They scheduled her for another appointment next week barring that she doesn't go into labor before then. I was able to get home a little earlier than I would had I gone to work, and Jordan and I are excited about taking our friends the Daniels dinner tonight and visiting their new twins! Tomorrow we will meet back up at the agency to go over the hospital and openness plans with T and her mom. This is where we will talk about what will happen at the hospital, what the relinquishment ceremony will look like, and our hopes for our relashionship after the birth.

Preparedness...yes, its a word.

Jordan and I had a nice weekend of working on some last minute details of the nursery. I managed to find some inexpensive curtains and rod at Target, and we found a great lime green lamp at a mid-century modern estate sale on Saturday. After rewiring and changing the shade to a homemade concoction of cork, I think it turned out pretty cute. It's hard to tell from the pictures, but it's actually much lighter than our green walls, and the cork lets little twinkles of light out all over the shade.

Sunday afternoon, while my husband and puppy snoozed through football, I tirelessly sewed away at my had-to-have-it-but-can't-afford-it-so-i'll-make-it mobile. I now completely understand why the original maker charges so much, and I am happy to be finished. It turned out pretty much how I wanted, but just don't look too close!

T and her mom came over for dinner Sunday night and we had a good time talking and getting to know each other better. She liked the nursery and Duke (he was on his best behavior again) and we made plans for Wednesday's Dr. appointment. She told us that she had gone to the hospital on Friday night with contractions, only to be sent home, so hopefully we can find out more of an eta (ha!) at the Dr.'s visit.

We also got to talk to her about names. This has been one of the most frequently asked questions that Jordan and I have received. Do you have a name? Does the birthmother get to pick a name? Do you get to pick the name? Well...to answer a few questions and to keep you guessing: In a typical adoption with our agency, the birthmother is given the option to name the baby at birth and this name is on the original birth certificate. The adoptive parents can choose to keep the name or change the name, and this is put on the second birth certificate given at the time the adoption is finalized (6 mts after placement). Because we are in an open adoption, Jordan and I decided early on that we wanted our baby's name to have both a part of the birthfamily and us, so we picked a few names and tried to remain open (not getting too excited about one in particular) thinking we would decide this with the birthmother. As it turns out, T had picked a name for her baby early in her pregnancy when she was still thinking she would parent. She told us the name at our match meeting, hoping that we might use it as a middle name. So that's where I'll stop. What I will say is that we do have a name, but we are waiting to reveal it until the little guy is here. The good news is, you won't have to wait long!

Catching Our Breath

We have been so overwhelmed (in a good way) by all of the encouraging messages and calls from our friends and family, and we feel so, so blessed by everyone that God has surrounded us with during this process. We really don't have words to let you know what all your shared excitement means to us.

I think that Tuesday's news is finally starting to sink in! Jordan and I both got to talk to T tonight on the phone, and like us, she is noticeably relieved that the decision has been made and I think that she is really ready to have this baby now! She says that she is pretty uncomfortable so she's hoping that means he won't wait too long. We chatted about nothing special and then she asked me to go with her to her Dr.'s appointment on Wednesday! We will hopefully get to have her over this weekend to spend some more time together.

Jordan did manage to complete the construction of the crib and changing table (which was no small task), and I finally settled on some curtains. We plan to buy a few more essentials this weekend and try to get some sleep (though i still haven't figured out how!) Here are a few pictures of the assembly process...

Duke is very curious

I told my co-workers that it looked like one of the closets we sell!

ta da!

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

She picked us! Just got the call a little while ago and proceeded to have the most awkward speaker phone conversation ever with the birthmother and the girls at the agency! Amidst tears and laughter I tried to express our excitement...and then call Jordan and blubber out something resembling good news. I am still a little in shock and disbelief!

So for some details I have been holding back...

We will be parents sooner than we could have ever imagined! Birthmother, who I will call T, is due on the 26th of this month with a little boy! We are so happy that our crib and changer made it in this week. Jordan will be speedily putting it together I'm sure. AHHHH! I don't even have one diaper or onsie! I know we will figure it all out. Back to details though...T lives REALLY close to us and we know that it is not a coincidence. She is eager to be a part of our family, and we are excited to get to know her more in the next couple of weeks. Again, thank you for all the prayers and notes of encouragement. Jordan and I have felt so loved this last week, and really so appreciative of the friends and family that we have been blessed with!

Make Me a Match

The last few days we have been pretty antsy...just waiting for some kind of news from our agency. I have been trying to stay busy with work and other things so that I don't have to think about the adoption, and I told myself that if we had been selected, we would have heard by now. So today when my cell phone rang at work, I was totally not expecting it to be the maternity worker at the agency. She had news. The birthmother had picked our profile along with another couple's in hopes of getting to interview both of us in person. This is typically not the case, in that our agency encourages birthmothers to only have a face to face interview with one couple, and if there is any question, to instead have several phone interviews. Apparently, this birthmother was pretty persistent, so they were calling to see if it was O.K. with us. It was actually a relief for me. I would definitely have trouble myself choosing a family to raise my child from a piece of paper with pictures, and I hate awkward phone conversations. So our meeting is scheduled for next Tuesday at the agency. I got to talk to the maternity worker about more specifics of the situation and it really does sound like an answer to prayer. I don't want to divulge too much too soon, as it is a real possibility that she could choose the other couple, but I promise to update with more details if we are matched next week. Talk about anticipation! Luckily, we are going to Houston on Friday for a family weekend we do every year with my Dad's side of the family, and I know it will be just the thing to help us take our mind off of things and have a good time.

A little news

We did finally hear back from the agency today. It was just a quick note to tell us they had everything they needed and were showing our profile to a birthmother today along with three other adoptive families! I don't have many details, and we probably won't hear any feed back or news until next week sometime, but wanted to update everyone so that you could be praying. We are content in whatever happens...but we are a little anxious!

Whew!

We are spent, but the home study is OVER! Duke was a complete angel. No jumping, burping, or farting the whole three hours! And Jordan wasn't too bad either. We began preparing for today early in the week with cleaning and fixing...and when I say we, I mean Jordan. He has been so helpful, and knowing the stress I was under (as we have quite a busy weekend), he took the initiative to clean most of the house, fix a few odds and ends, and wash the clothes. I had a baby shower to attend this morning, and when I returned everything was sparkling! Our social worker came over around 1:00 and we showed her around the house pointing out where smoke detectors, cleaning supplies, and medicine were kept. She looked in every room and closet and even the garage, seemed satisfied, so we began the final part of my interview. Meanwhile, Jordan worked on his brisket that he was smoking (in the rain) for tomorrows Cowboys game and our church small group get together (so he's pretty much super husband). He joined me after a little while, and our social worker asked us questions about how we planned to raise our child ranging from education to discipline. We also talked about different situations with birth families (how often we planned to see them, what if they were a different religion, physical and emotional issues, etc.) and how we felt we would relate to them. We discussed with her what we had learned from our required reading and from meeting with the couple who had adopted from Greenville. She told us that she really liked our profile, and that we should get more feedback soon from the agency on whether anything had to be tweaked or changed. She mentioned that it would take her a week or two to complete our home study recommendation to give to the agency, but that she only had good things to tell them. She also said that the director had encouraged her to quickly complete our home study as she already had a few birthmothers she wanted to show our profile! Now starts more waiting.

How could I be anything but angelic?

Come study our home...

We found out today that our paperwork was received and our final home visit is scheduled for September 12th. This is when our assigned social worker will do a home safety and fire inspection and conduct a follow up interview with the both of us at our house. This is also when she will meet Duke. (we are currently working on his manners, though I fear it may be too late) We still need to do some "baby proofing" in the form of outlet covers and cleaning up the fireplace(since we really don't use it and don't have a screen). We also have to be prepared for a mock fire drill. Jordan wanted to really ham this part up, but I have convinced him otherwise.

We are exhausted, and frankly ready to get all this technical stuff over with, but just when we think we've finished all the paperwork we can stand...we started filling out more. Many of you have been surprised and asked us how and why are we paying for this whole thing.

Let me start with the WHY...
If you do any research on adoption, you will find that the price to adopt varies greatly between domestic and international, private and agency, and even agency to agency. This was something that puzzled us until we dug a little deeper. We knew early on that we wanted to adopt domestically (mostly because raising a child from birth and on was something we really desired for our first child, and because openness was important to us). Then we considered private vs. agency. If you know Jordan and I, we tend to go along with the theory, "you get what you pay for" and found that there was a lot of personal leg work that went into private adoption, there were more risks, and I'll be honest, we knew very little about this whole adoption world and really felt like we needed a guide. But when we looked at different agencies, we learned there were big differences in cost there as well. So we set off to decipher what all this money was going to. We attended a very informative "Affording Adoption" meeting through a local church and quickly found out that the money in adoption was divvied out between processing fees, attorney fees, social worker fees, counseling, and birth family related fees. The later two being what made the price differ. We were encouraged at this meeting to find an agency that didn't offer any maternity care for birthmothers, as this was thought to be something that was "not our responsibility". I left a little jaded(to say the least), and was relieved to find out my husband felt the same. Now let me mention that none of these advisers had open adoptions, and I am sure that their advice was well intentioned. However, it opened our eyes to the disparity of our society, the preconceived ideas and stereotypes about birth families, and the lack of us as Christians to reach out and show love to those in situations unlike our own. We had a strong desire to not only make our family complete, but to help mend a family that was breaking. We chose our agency because of the extensive care and respect they give to birth families and the education they provide to empower all families involved in adoption. This is not something that just happens...it takes resources.

So for the HOW...
As you probably guessed, we don't have $25,000 laying around. We are lucky that Jordan's work has a $5,000 adoption reimbursement program and that there is a BIG federal tax credit now available; however, these don't cover the entire amount and we still have to have the money up front at placement. We have prayed hard about this, and we do trust that God will provide. We are now working on applying for a interest free loan through the ABBA fund to help pay for some of the costs until we get our reimbursements. We also know that some of you would like to be a part of this whole endeavor with us. We have already had some VERY generous family and friends pitch in, and for that we are beyond grateful. Each contribution has come at a time when we were really discouraged and overwhelmed, and I feel like they have been God's way of telling us to trust this plan that is so beyond us. Pride is so hard to swallow, but we are hoping that by being open about our situation, we will give you the opportunity to share in our blessing.

Some things we've learned

Tonight I was getting our paperwork ready to send off to our agency, and started reading through the summaries that Jordan wrote for the books we were required to read. First, I realized they were much better than mine (probably because he took 3 days to write them, and I did mine in about 30 minutes), and second, they made me so proud. My husband is pretty great, and I love him more every day. I thought that you guys might like to hear some of what we've learned...from his prospective!

Dear Birthmother by Kathleen Silber & Phyllis Speedlin
It was good for me to read these letters because it gives real life accounts of the feelings birthmothers, birthfathers and adoptive parents really feel. The letters made it very real, so much to a point that it would be impossible to acknowledge any truths within the four myths listed.

I have read about and talked about the loss in adoption a lot for the past 5 months. This book did bring the emotional side out of me. It made me both happy and sad. I felt like I got to experience the grief and heartache birthparents endure, but I also felt the joy in knowing that with an open adoption, everyone, especially the child, can live full happy lives.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Closed adoption or not, birthparents’ never forget about their child and children never forget about their birth parents. After reading several of the letters that support this, I do not see how any other form of adoption could be an option. The “out of sight, out of mind” concept that is very common, motivates me to be more proactive in educating people about open adoption.

2. Children want to know more about their birthparents, but can sometimes feel scared to communicate this in fear of hurting their adoptive parent’s feelings. I think this stresses the importance of not only an open adoption, but of keeping the lines of communication open and natural with my child’s birthparents.

3. Both parents will never totally parent. This was a hard pill to swallow, but true. I will probably never know what it’s like to raise my own biological child and the birthparents will never get to fully raise the child they gave birth to. This was a very sobering and sad lesson to learn. It is part of loss within adoption that affects both me and my wife and the birthparents. This is one of those pains that will be with me the rest of my life.


The Open Adoption Experience by Lois Ruskai Melina
Of the tree books this one was my favorite. Almost anything and everything about open adoption was discussed in this book. This book not only answered a lot of my questions but also raised more questions that Angela and I had to talk through. We spent a lot of time discussing “what if” scenarios.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Nobody owes us a child. This lesson is the most important for me. I think it’s easy for us to get caught up in the process of adoption with the assumption that at the end result will be that we have a child. That’s not so. The birthparents have every right to keep their child. For us, if the birth parents decide to parent their child, that is God’s will. We will not feel betrayed, nor should any other adoptive parents. It is their child and we should always keep that in mind. The birthparents shouldn’t feel obligated to relinquish their child either. Even if a relationship has been well established over the months, the birthmother should be extremely sure of her decision to place and not feel obligated because they know the adoptive parents have been waiting.

2. Adoption means loss for the adoptive grandparents as well. Adoptive grandparents need preparation for the adoption process and their loss of a biological grandchild. It is our responsibility to inform our parents of everything we have learned. Dealing with entitlement and jealously issues are as just as common with the adoptive grandparents as it is with the adoptive parents. Informing our parents may not make the transition to an open adoption easier, but it will make it smoother.

3. The birthfather is important too. Stereotypically, birthfathers are viewed as someone who is irresponsible and doesn’t want anything to do with the child. This is not true in all cases. Whether the birthmother shuts him out of her life or he chooses to retreat on his own, birthfathers have the same emotions birthmothers do. They do not ‘just forget’. I have learned that as a man it will be my role to relate and work with the birthfather in communicating the importance of his availability in his child’s life, regardless of the state of the relationship he has with the birthmother. I hope the birthfather is available to our future child and I hope that he can be someone that I can mentor as well.

4. The adoptive mother can breastfeed. I was totally unaware of this. Since discovering this, Angela and I have researched the topic and met with her doctor to discuss.


Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Martinez Dorner
I liked this book because it helped give me some insight on what the thought process might be like for adopted children through different stages of their life.

What I have learned from this book:

1. Open adoption can help minimize acting out by teens. Junior high through high school is already a weird time for a kid because they are trying to figure out what they’re about and who they belong with socially. I can imagine that if an adopted kid didn’t have contact with his birthparents or know where he came from, this could send his life into a little bit of a tail spin. I have learned that during this time, an adopted teen may feel rejection from his birthparents and try to recreate that feeling or event by acting out and pushing the boundaries and rules set in place by his parents. An open adoption can help mitigate against this because over time he would have learned that he was not rejected, but placed out of love.

2. Children grieve as well. As birthparents grieve the placement of their child and adoptive parents grieve their loss of fertility, adopted children also grieve the loss of their birthparents. Even in an open adoption children and teens still grieve. I have learned that this is normal and it is important that as parents, we talk about it with our children.

3. Knowing the birthparents can help the adoptive parents understand their child better. The constant birthparent contact that open adoptions provide can help adoptive parents understand what makes their child “tick.” Whether it is motivation or certain personality traits, by understanding the birthparents and how they “tick”, this gives the adoptive parents an advantage on how to better understand the mind of their child.

4. Adoption professionals can sometimes have trouble letting go of a case. To me this was very interesting. The entire adoption process revolves around the birthparents, adoptive parents and the child (the “triad”). But the adoption professional puts a lot of work into the case as well. This makes me feel good because this means that the professional truly cares for the lives of the individuals that are counseling and guiding through this process.

Profile Overload

We are now in what I will label, Profile Overload. The next big step is turning in the rough draft of our one page (front and back) profile that the birthmother's will look at. I have to admit that at the seminar, we were shown several examples...and to be honest...I was less than impressed with their creativity. I basically told Jordan that we had this part "in the bag". However, I quickly learned, that what went on the page (besides the cute paper and embellishments) was a lot harder than what I had anticipated, and it got me thinking that it might be why the actual aesthetics weren't exactly perfect on those examples.

Imagine this...you need to acknowledge the sacrifice and unselfishness of the birthmother without seeming like a creepy stalker couple who wants to take her baby, describe who each spouse is...personality, likes, education, job, family history....how the two of you met, what you like to do together, if you have any pets (their personality...ha! not really), how you got to adoption, what you want for the future, how a child fits into that...and did I mention, fit it in no smaller than 12pt type on one page! My brain has run out of places to put all of that information so how will I fit it on an 8.5" x 11" piece of paper?!! THEN, you need to fill the back of the page with pictures and captions that are a reflection of who you are (the good parts). Ahhh! After sorting through the mountains of jpgs on my computer hard drive and Shutterfly, I about had a nervous breakdown.

"That one Jordan looks mad"

"That one my hair is messed up"

"That one looks too old""That one we look too young"

"That one could be misconstrued"

....and the personal critiques never end!

So I may have the graphics looking like a brochure for a Mercedes Benz, but I still have a lot of work to do on the important stuff. I'm beginning to feel like we're filling out our eHarmony profile!

BTW...if you have any great pictures of Jordan and I...preferably doing something that portrays our personality(scary)...send them my way!

Seminar Day Two

My husband is exhausted, but I'm feeling excited! That is a good way to summarize our day. We began by getting better acquainted with the additional couples who were back for their second (or 3rd!) adoption. Jordan and I have already decided that we are going to make good friends during this process with the other couples walking the same road. It is so encouraging to know that we're not alone. After brief introductions, we got down to the nitty gritty. The first half of our day was spent going over legal issues.

Here are a few of the basics...

-Each state regulates adoption laws
-Texas requires 48 hours after birth before a mother can relinquish her rights
-After placement, there is a 6 month Agency supervision before the adoption is finalized in court (at this point the agency has parental rights)

After lunch, we were joined by an adoptive parent who told her story and answered questions we had about open adoption, her child's birthfamily, transracial adoption, etc. It was nice to see someone who was living what we had been talking and reading about. The latter part of the day was spent talking about creating our profile (the sheet that goes in the infamous "book" the birthmother's will look at to select a couple), the match meeting, what to do after the match, and working through an open adoption plan with the birthfamily.

We do feel a little like our brains are overflowing with information, but it is also exciting to see a glimpse of what's to come. We were sent home with more paperwork, and a few more reading assignments. After these are completed, we will once again meet up with our case worker, but this time at our home. Hoping Duke will be on his best behavior!

Notes from the seminar

Day one of our 2 day adoption seminar is complete. We arrived at Buckner around 9am and wrapped up at 5pm. As expected, we were joined by three other prospective adoptive couples and will have three more (who have adopted previously and are back for #2) tomorrow. Overall, our day was very informative and left us with some information we already knew and more to think on.

We began by talking about the losses involved in adoption. I think most people have a very joyous idea of adoption. While the idea of adoption is a happy one, the reality is that it involves a great deal of loss. Loss of the birthmother's right to parent, loss of the adoptive parents' hope for a biological child, and loss of a child's genetic identity...just for starters. Open adoption definitely helps to ease some of the losses, but pain is still a real part of this type of family union. As prospective adoptive couples who have experienced infertility, all of us shared many common losses, and we talked more about how we had learned to face and cope with these hurdles in our relationships. We had a fun exercise similar to the Newlywed game, where they separated the husbands and wives and had us answer some questions about each other. Some serious (What did you feel like was your biggest loss?) and some that we were able to laugh at (What is the most outrageous thing someone has told you during your infertility/adoption process?). Somehow, the two teams of boys and girls tied...pretty sure the wives should have taken it though!

Next we talked about the baby's perspective, and how it is important to have a smooth transition from pregnancy to adoption, the research and facts around bonding as a newborn, and what the adoptive child needs from us from infancy. We watched a really good film on this called Gentle Transitions: A Newborn Baby's Point of View about Adoption. Very eye opening.

The last part of the day was centered on helping us understand what Buckner does for the birthparents. One of the reasons we chose our agency, was because of the resources available to all parties involved in the adoption process. They provide in-depth counseling and education for birthparents so that they can make an informed and confident decision about the future of their child; whether that is to raise them or place them for adoption. It was a lot of information to take in, and a long time to sit in one place, but we enjoyed getting to hear more about process and are looking forward to tomorrows discussion.